Imperfect Face-Just Another Face in the Croud

2009-12-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow. I haven't posted on this in forever. O_O

Okay - so a bunch has changed, but a bunch has remained the same.

I've been REALLY busy with school, life, and more life. School is kicking my butt - and it angers me because I don't get as much time with Laura as I would like. But I'm on holiday vacation at Laura's family's house with no homework, no worries and no bed-time...Although my school schedual as made it to where I am exhausted by 11.

I'm happy in Wallace - the only thing that could make it better would be having my dad close by. I miss him when I'm up here. I was definitely expecting more snow while we were up here - but so far, only two inches. It's a bit ridiculous.

I'm still in love with my dearest Laura - and she's still in love with me. We argue a bit more - but we always get through it. And anyway, arguments are bound to happen with any two people.

I don't have a job anymore - that would be the end of me. I quit a month before school got back in. I have seven class periods this semester - but I'm getting rid of one next semester. I'll be dropping japanese... even though I'd really like to continue it...but I won't give up painting. I would die. :[ Painting has become a very large part of my life and I don't think I'll ever stop doing it. I never knew that it would become such a big part of my life - but it's really become a passion.

But anyway. I'm tired. More later-ish.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas gifts:

-Watercolor set

-Scar-removal (This present made me cry...if you know me, you'll know why.)

-Snowpants

-a necklace that says "Sagittarius" on it

-a Bag that I can color on

-a photo-album that I'm going to fill with me and Laura

-candy

-more paintbrushes

Blegh

2009-06-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm tired today. I had work this morning and I have work this afternoon. Thirty minutes after noon to be exact.

I miss my girl and I want to see her.

My gramma might have to have by-pass sergury. (I'm a failure at spelling.) My mom told me yesterday.

I might make eggs later - and I might sleep - but I want to talk to my girl...but I bet she's not going to be awake for a couple more hours. I miss her.

I miss her a lot...

I'm excited to hear her newest accomplishment on the guitar. But I like to hear her play in person - so I'm going to wait 'til tomorrow to hear it. I get to see her tomorrow - I'm happy about that. :3 I'm sure it's gonna be fabulous - the song she's gonna play me. It's a good song - and she's a good guitarist.

She makes me happy. Really happy. I don't know what I'd do without her.

She smells good. And she feels good. She's really soft - her cheeks are really soft. I like it when she hold me - and when I hold her...It makes me feels safe. Like nothing bad could touch me while I'm in her arms...It's crazy how protected she makes me feel.

And I'm just happy to have her. Happy that she wants me as much as I want her.

I just like to touch her. It doesn't have to be much, just the feel of her arm against mine - the fact that she wants to be close to me - is enough to send my heart soaring.

It's scary though...because I have put so much of my heart and my soul into this girl. I'm scared because anything good I have in my life always seems to leave somehow - because of my words and actions.

I just don't want to loose the best thing that's happened in my life - the person who is my life, my love and my happiness.

But anyway - I love her. And that's what matters.

The fact that I love her with my whole heart - and that she feels the exact same. That is what matters.

-Selaah

Greek Half Num-bar Uno

2009-05-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

AN:// I've been meaning to write this for a while - I just haven't gotten around to it. But tonight Laura and I are feeling extremely creative and I like how this came out. I'm so glad Mr. Grapp taught us how to use colons, semi-colons and dashes. :3 They are my friend.

But anyway. It's obviously about me and Laura. This is how I felt before she was mine - approximately two weeks before I confessed to her...Funny, right? I thought I was going to have to wait at least two years...but really I won't had to wait two weeks. <3

So...There will be more coming. This was really just the prologue. I'm going to go back and put in all the details - about how I was too afraid to talk to her in person...so I found a reason to talk to her on the internet and that conversation...I still have it on my myspace I think - so that's good! :D

But yeah. Hope you like it everyone who doesn't read my blog! :D (cos I know nobody does - except Laura. <3)

Epiphany

It was true. I was in love with her and there was nothing I could do about it. I was helpless in my feeling – helpless because I knew no matter how hard I tried I would not stop loving her.

I put down my book – it held no interest to me at that point; I couldn’t fool myself any longer – she was the thing I wanted most in the world.

The second thing I wanted most in the world was across the room and I went to it – grabbing a pencil so I could use it. My bed was the location as to where I would hold my mental freak out session. And I wrote in my journal.

I was in love with Laura Abbott – but it would be a while before she figured it out. And I knew she would figure it out. I knew someday we would be happy together. But I also knew that there was a large road block in our way – and her name was Katrina.

Katrina – the one that Laura had been in love with the most, the one that was obscuring me from Laura’s view – the one that was crushing my world. She was in my way of having the one thing that was right. The one thing that I knew was supposed to be – I had never been more sure of anything in my life…And she had her. She had her…And I didn’t. She didn’t deserve her. I didn’t either – but I knew I was meant to have her - for us to belong to each other – because we were two parts of one whole. And Katrina had my other half. My other half. Mine.

I scribbled my thoughts onto the notebook – with the feeling of “yes this one’s the one” sinking into me. But also with the feeling “the one that is – is not mine” tainting that joyous feeling – turning it into a black feeling…a lost feeling.

I was lost.

My heart pulled me toward the wonderful girl I had just fallen for – but I knew that something else was stealing her away, even though she pulled toward me as well…Or that she would.

I was drowning in the feeling on hopelessness – but still through the murky waters my heart burned. It burned with an aching passion.

This girl had stolen my heart and she didn’t know it. She had it in her hands – but it was invisible to her unseeing eyes.

Tears flowed out of my eyes as I realized that I was prepared to wait for her – even if it would be years before I could claim her as the other half to my soul.

Three Parts. Just Three.

2009-03-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

I am Selaah.
There are four parts to me: Face, Self, Body…and Mask. Mask is the ruler of me. She hides my face and my self. She is the wall that blocks off everything. She is the hurt that I have - the hurt that I hold.

This hurt is strong now, and the wall is weak. I need to tear it down. I need to let go. I need to not be scared.

Mask appeared when Kaitlyn Holstad put a dent in me. I took that dent and made a gaping hole. I through everything out of proportion. I hurt myself. I need to let go of what I did to myself. I need to realize that I don’t need to fear.

Mask guards my heart. My beating heart that is the home of Self. I need to let self out. She needs to escape. Mask needs to disappear.

I don’t feel anymore. And it worries me, because I might not be able to live my life due to this thing that is trapping me. Mask is a cage.

I am going to break free of this cage – and run into the arms of the one I love the most.

I am going to kill mask. She is nothing to me. NOTHING.

I am everything – Self, Face and Body. They are everything. They are me. They are me.

I forgive me.
I forgive my mask.

I am Selaah.
There are three parts to me: Face, Self, and Body.

I'd Walk a Thousand Miles...

2009-03-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

I would start out with the time and the date and the day of the week, but this website already does that for me. So, I'll start with where I am: Boise, ID 2190 N. Allumbaugh Street - sitting at my computer. It's not where I wish to be, but I am here...so, I guess I'll make the best of it...Or maybe I'll complain through the keyboard to the computer screen.

My other Half & heart-keeper is up in Wallace Idaho, visiting her family. I know she's having fun, and I guess I'm just being greedy...but I wish she was HERE. Not THERE. It really hurts inside.

Although, these five days appart has made me realize how much I do love that girl. All I talk about it her. I'm sure my father has gotten sick of me spewing out my thoughts about Laura. My dad says he likes her though, which makes me really glad. And apparently everyone up in Wallace likes me aswell. That is a good thing. Apparently all she's been talking about has been me aswell - so I guess we're on the same boat...Which is good.

I'm excited for thursday (the day she is returning).

Much love to those who mean something in my world<3
Selaah!

Life's Been Good...And not.

2009-02-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader:
Life's been good. Life's been...not so good. I mean, everything has it's ups and downs. My life has a lot of those. Kind of like a roller coaster, I guess.

A lot of stuff has shaped me as a person - shaped Face, Mask, Self and Body - like clay. I don't really think I was like a normal child - didn't really fit in. I was weird. Against my astrology, I was very anti-social. Most kids stayed clear of me, prob'ly because they were afraid of catching my weird...which is impossible. The word "friend" was almost a stranger. It was strange. But I knew about it and I longed for it.

I had friends, you could say. But I always felt outcasted. Not really able to fit in. I finally got "friends" in sixth grade. It was the year of Hell as I call it, because at the end of the year my so-called "friends" completely shattered my existence by shoving my face in the dirt and telling me that they hated me and wanted me to go die in a hole. Wonderful friends, right?

I became suicidal and anorexic. Became extremely depressed and wanted nothing more then to die. Because, who would want to live in a world without love? It was "obvious" I was never going to be loved - because I was imperfect. You would too, wouldn't you?

Well, anyway...Seventh grade I got a new friend; she was actually a friend. Her name was Teresa. We became best friends by the end of the year. I spent my summer with her. The next year was the year I got pulled out of my black hole.

I met Aspen, Kirby and Kat. Together, we (Me, Teresa, Suzanne, Kirby, Kat and Aspen) became the Outkasts.

Some stuff happened with Aspen, and he moved away to a different school. The year ended with nothing special. The next year flowed without many problems - except for me coming out as a lesbian. That was something. Not particularly a problem, just a something. It was interesting to see the change in the attitudes toward me. (One girl in particular became extremely nice when the year before she was accusing me of the same stuff as I came out for- in an extremely rude way. So that was...interesting)

But by the end of the year, I had drifted away from my friends. I was quickly becoming closer to Aspen from the year previous. We hadn't talked for over a half a year - due to personal issues - but we were speaking again, and we became very close. I decided to transfer high schools and hang out with him.

It's my first year at Timberline, and I love it. I love the people (most of them) and I love the teachers (most of them). I even found love interests. The first two didn't work out, but third time's the charm, right?

As I said, Life's been good so far. It's good now. I'm happy.

<3Selaah

2009-02-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern:
You may not know me, and I may not know you. That doesn't matter...The fact is, is that you, right now, are reading about me, Selaah.

I have no problem with this. In fact, I encourage you greatly to read your eyes out about people. But I must warn you, sometimes my words aren't nice, and sometimes, my writings aren't either.

Definition of Selaah:Selaah (Suh-Lay-Uh) n- a person with Hazel eyes and Brunette hair who's bangs are died blond. Selaah enjoys singing, acting, writing, drawing, playing guitar, and computering. Her best friend is Aspen Groves. Like her mom, she's a control freak...most of the time. She is a Lesbian... She consist of four parts: Face, Mask, Self, and Body.

I'm sure you are confused about Face, Mask, Self, and Body...
So, let me explain...

Face is Face. She's happy most of the time because she's an optimist...most of the time. But sometimes, she gets hurt, or sad, or angry, just like any other face out there. A lot of this you won't see when you first meet her. You'll see that she's shy, and won't want to talk. But once you open her up, then she's pretty wild and giddy.

Mask is a little different. Mask's name is...Mask. No one really knows this, though. They always assume that it's Face. Just because they're twins. But Mask doesn't mind this...because then she can operate behind the scenes. Mask is very deceiving. She's very much an optimist, all the time. She's happy. All the time. If she gets hurt, she takes it out on Face. If she's sad...she blames it on Face.

Alright, I'm going to tell you a secret...Underneath Mask and Face, there is another...something. Her name is Self. Face and Mask are both very good friends with Self, and that's why they hide her. They don't want people to know about her for fear of her getting hurt...See, she's very fragile.

They all live in Body, who's not very beautiful, but she is still Face, Mask and Self's home. Body is unlike Face, Mask and Self...Shes only physical appearance. Face and Mask don't like Body very much...but Self knows Body is needed, so they keep her around, even though Self doesn't care for Body much either.

These four make up one person, Selaah. In other words, me. Most of the time I will be Face...But sometimes I will be Mask.

So, person I prob'ly don't know...You now know me...or some of me.

I doubt you'll ever REALLY know me... I doubt that I will ever know me... But you know somewhat about me.

Until you next read (or...not).
Good bye.

Yours Sincerely,
Selaah.